for when I am weak, then I am strong

I'm not sure I fully believe/understand that but I've been thinking about it.

Let me begin at the beginning. My sister Olivia (who is better than me in practically every way) had a little story published in the July 2009 Ensign. It's on page 24. I know that because I keep reading it and it keeps making me cry because I love my little sister so much.

Yesterday I looked on the preceding page. I had read it before but suddenly it meant a lot more.

A person wrote about suffering from a chronic illness and how this scripture changed their life:

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Weeks ago when I'd read that story, I'd just thought it was a nice sentiment.

This time I wasn't so sure.

Because I have been feeling weak and infirm...and not really glad about it.

I am usually a pretty healthy person. And I haven't even been all that sick, just not feeling my best, having to save my energy and pace myself and not enjoying that.

I have a lot to do.

Doesn't my tired body get that?

Last night I took a walk (a slow walk) to the park with Emma and Mark. I sat (gratefully) on a bench and watched them swing and climb and run.

The words of the scripture kept running through my head. Was it possible to take pleasure in infirmities? Really? I thought that I mostly felt grateful that I usually had more energy. I'm not sure that's the point though.

I'm not sure.

I thought about the fact that we were enjoying a perfect summer evening at the park. Usually I would have been home, working working working. Getting my to do list done before school started.

But I was too tired. So we went to the park.

I thought about the increased patience I've had this week. I'm not in a hurry. Take your time getting in and out of the van, walking across the store, clearing the table. Because I'm taking my time too.

I thought about the Littlest Pet Shop village, vast in its complexity spread out downstairs. Emma and Mark have been busily setting it up and playing with it every day. Playing together. Not fighting. And I've let them keep it out. Because I'm tired.

I thought about me praying for help. For the strength I need to do my work. Because I can't do it alone.

So I'm not feeling pleasure in infirmities. I'm not that enlightened. But I have learned a bit. And I'll be grateful for that.