Years ago, when we lived in a light filled apartment in New Haven, Connecticut, I had two little children. Braeden was two and Emma was an infant.
They were a lot of work.
There were a lot of diapers to change. There was a certain amount of crying to soothe. There were board books to read, toys to pick up, mouths to feed. It was tiring.
And if the truth be told, not entirely fulfilling day in and day out.
The clock ticking on the wall tended to drag in those post-nap, pre-Adam-home hours.
I particularly remember one day when they were both sick. I wiped noses and tears and changed diapers all day.
When Adam got home, I told him, "Any idiot could do what I did today."
I had signed up for motherhood. I was all in. This was my thing. But I felt like it was not quite what it was cracked up to be.
It was hard and boring.
A lot has changed. The kids are bigger, more independent, and never boring.
But it's still hard.
And when I dash from packing lunches...
...to teaching school to Mark
...to squeezing in some housework
...to driving to and from activities
...to listening to their adventures good and bad
...to finding lost items
...to scheduling
...to making sure the right everything is washed when it needs to be
...to problem solving
...to encouraging
...to correcting behavior/ attempting to civilize
...to comforting
...to praising
...to making sure they stop reading and turn off the light...
...I no longer think any idiot could do this.
I think this takes real courage and a sturdy sense of self confidence and I hope I have what it takes.
This is not for the weak of heart or for the nervous disposition. There are 25 reasons to doubt yourself every day.
But you just keep going.
Just like in a light filled apartment when you were the only one around to wipe noses and tears and bottoms. (And I've never once regretted being the one there that messy day.)
Because I'm the mom.
Recently on a Masterpiece Theater show, South Riding, (which I ended up not really liking very much) a character said something about "settling" to be a wife and mother.
I don't feel like I've settled. I feel like I'm stretching and seeking and trying really hard.
But not settling. Never settling.
I am not afraid...I was born to do this.
-Joan of Arc
If Joan of Arc could turn the tide of an entire war before her eighteenth birthday, you can get out of bed.
-E. Jean Carroll
4 comments:
What a beautiful post. Very well said.
Any idiot couldn't have done it in the early years either. Who else would have been willing to do it all without pay, without the singular motivation of love?
I like this post. I like you.
I love reading things like this and somehow being excited even though you just told me that when I don't have to wipe bums and noses any more it will still be hard. I love the stretching and trying and that we didn't settle at all. Moms are the best!
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