Disapproval, despair, (insomnia), hope

Have you ever noticed how easy despair is at 3:00 or 4:00 AM?  During the day, it would take a lot more to plunge me into despair than it does at that time.

My resolve to be happy, to trust, to keep buggering on as Winston Churchill would say, is forgotten during those hours of the day.  I remember comments, real or imagined slights.  I remember disapproval that mounts on my already thriving feelings of disappointment.

It's all a lot of fun, really.

Yesterday I read something someone had posted on Instagram:  God is not disappointed with me.

I immediately thought, He's probably frustrated with me though, unhappy with my lack.

I let it roll around in my head awhile.

My students had Acadience testing yesterday.  For the test, they read to a district employee, one at a time, and I can't be nearby.  Nola was back in my classroom and I sent students back to her once they were tested.  I watched across the library as my last student was testing.  He looked so small and earnest.  He is often very naughty, but also one of my favorites.  I looked at him and felt a swell of love and gratitude that at least for a few more weeks, he's mine.

We walked back to class together.  I asked, "How did it go?"

He said, "It was OK.  I didn't do good on the last one."

I said, "Did you try your best?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "That is all I want."

It wasn't until I was driving home that it occurred to me.  Maybe, like the person on Instagram, God isn't disappointed in me either.  Maybe, if He were walking beside me, He would ask me how I was doing.  I would tell Him where I was struggling.  

He would ask, "Are you trying your best?"

I believe He would respond the same way I did to my student.  

That is all I want.