That night he told me that of course it was an unequal partnership. He said, "Our marriage has never been about keeping everything equal. Sometimes one of us does more. That's why it works."
It made me cry.
***
In the course of an hour I can fluctuate between feeling like I have the best job in the world and I am enriching lives! and making a difference! and I love it! to feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing with these irrational and small and demanding people. I wonder if I have the patience, stamina, or ability to meet their needs and teach them what they need to know. Also, I have stuff to do at home so why am I spending so much energy elsewhere? Also, I really like being home.
It's the same way I can fluctuate between feeling like a fabulous mother with spectacular children to feeling like I have failed in every parenting measure and my whole life's work is kind of a bust.
***
I guess this is what life is all about. You keep trying. You keep trying to improve and contribute and work and matter.
And sometimes you don't feel like you are doing any of it right.
I tell myself it's OK, because it never was about an equal partnership. The Atonement of Jesus Christ keeps making up the difference for when I feel like a mess.
My job is to just keep going.
2 comments:
This is so profound. You are doing wonderfully well!
Still crying. So good!
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