We hold forever in our hearts

Friday I held my tears in until I got to the car.  I called Adam, who was also driving home from work, and said, "I might as well cry on the way home and get it over with."

I was boiling over with frustration and sadness.  My class is huge and their challenges feel insurmountable.  On Friday I had assessed my newest student.  He can't read or do pretty basic math.  Then I found out I'm getting another new student today.

And he doesn't speak English.

I want to be a good teacher.  I want to help them all.  I want to give them the world.

Adam always says the right things and reminds me that my best is good enough and that just by loving them, that's something.

I still sent an angsty email to my principal when I got home, railing against the inequity for these students and their third grade experience.

They don't call Mr. Dawson Mr. Awesome for nothing.  He wrote back almost immediately that he didn't mind my rant one bit.  I know he's on my side and I know he is doing all he can to support me.

It helps.

Saturday we did our round of household chores.  Emma and I switched out some summer pillows for autumnal pillows.  I told her I wasn't ready to go "full pumpkin" but we made a few tweaks.  I went outside and cut some black eyed susans that are growing wild on the hill.  I put them in a vase on the mantel.

Sometimes it is restorative to do things like that that remind me of me.  Puttering around my house reminds me of me. 

We have an apple tree on the side of our house that we sorely neglect.  About once a year we go gather all the apples we can before the squirrels make an even bigger mess than they already have.  Saturday was that day.  It is a very prolific little tree, despite our neglect.  I can't imagine how many apples it would yield if we knew what we were doing.  I filled two buckets with apples that were intact and we threw away a lot of apples that were either rotten, squirrel bitten or wormy.

Maybe someday we'll become better apple tree stewards.

In the meantime, I had an agenda for my classroom.  Adam and Emma went with me and we hauled some of the furniture out of the room and spread the desks out more so that it doesn't feel quite so crazy.  

It still feels crazy.  

There was a lot of jockeying.  This student can't sit by that student.  This one can't see so needs to be in the front.  I tried to surround my new student's desk with Spanish speaking kids.  

Later, I wrote another email to my school administrators.  I said I have all this mama bear energy to direct somewhere since my kids are grown.  I will advocate for my students.  I proposed better aide time and more help.  

I'm going to keep beating that drum.

Janet texted me to see how Mark was doing.  She also sent me this picture in an effort to destroy me?

I don't know if it's the red curls or the chunky shoes or intense concentration in that yellow chalk blob that get me the most.  I think all of the above.  

Man, I miss that kid.

Janet also told me the tragic news that our friend Cynthia had passed away after a relatively short battle with cancer.

I keep thinking about her and their family. My heart hurts for them.  Cynthia's two daughters are just a little older than our kids.

We haven't been in each other's orbits much since we've moved to Utah.  Maybe seeing each other once or twice.  But Cynthia was just this lovely person who made everything better.   I was remembering Cynthia inviting our kids to swim in their pool and bringing out these enormous tubs of ice cream she had on hand for just such impromptu occasions.  I remember parties she hosted and working together on the night hike for Girls' Camp.  I remember the hand me down clothes Emma wore that had been her girls'.  Cynthia had impeccable taste.

When I think of Cynthia, the words of the hymn "Each Life that Touches Ours for Good" come to mind.  

Each life that touches ours for good 
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior's name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above

I usually give Facebook a wide berth but I went on Facebook to read what her husband Steve had written about her.  It was mainly his testimony that Jesus is the Christ and God is in His Heaven and he knew he would see his beloved Cynthia again.

For worthy friends whose lives proclaim devotion to the Savior's name. 

In Relief Society yesterday we talked about President Oak's talk from conference, "What Has the Savior Done for Me."

The teacher commented on how we had been remembering what happened on September 11 the last week and that the lesson was an opportunity for us to remember what the Savior has done for us.  My mind got stuck on that.

I am always blown away when I think of the heroes who lost their lives on September 11, the heroes who drove towards the wreckage and put themselves in harm's way and lost their lives.  It had never occurred to me that that kind of selfless heroic sacrifice is a type of the sacrifice our Savior gave for each of us.  Because of Him, we can repent and be forgiven and forgive.  Because of Him, we can see our families and friends again.  Because of Him, we know someone who understands our pains and sorrows.  Because of Him, we know there's a plan.  (As a planner, I love this.  I thrive with a plan!)

When I mentioned some of these thoughts in the lesson, my friend Danielle said, "Whatever happens in this life, we know the cavalry will come."

Just like heroes in firetrucks race to our aid, the Savior is always there, ready to charge up the hill and succor us.

What an amazing, humbling and comforting thought!

So all of this is to say, keep fighting the fight, love your people better, do things that make you feel like a person and remember.

Remember the goodness that reflects the light of Christ in so many ways on Earth.

God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son.